Sunday, March 20, 2005

spokes

This morning I woke up in the work. It was six o'clock and a false alarm. The telephone rang again at 7. I had had four hours of sleep. The enteritis I had got of a sandwich in the cafeteria was burning and ballooning my stomach. I was hungry with a headache and zero appetite. Did my job and took off as the next guy showed up. My home is so ugly that it hurts. The furniture consists of four chairs, a table, a sofa and that's about it. But there is big glass door to the garden that lets eyes breathe.

diagonalflower1

I took to looking at my post. Friends are good to have if they know when to be there and when not. I love my loneliness. Only when I am alone I can get in touch with the Other Guy, the one who knows about beauty. He likes to be a little bit drunk so I've bought him a bottle of Canadian Club. After seeing "Lost in Translation" I'd wanted get Suntori instead, but, alas, not available here.

Alone I meet the music. I do not really know how to play but I like the sound I am making, My guitar is a Strat. I savour the harmonies, I listen and dream of fingers that could do the things ringing in my head. So many fantastic melodies pass through my head and I barely catch a note here another from there. The dogs outside are howling.
Margaritas ante canes.

I do not think, somebody else is doing it for me. This someone else loves oxymorons and great gestures. Today he said: "The opposite of love is fear". Then he shut up.

At noon I took a nap. There was a gentle figure all dressed up in winter clothes (the air con was at full blast) and told me about the things I've done. All the things she said began with: "If not for fear".

I woke up and it took me quite some time to know where I was.

From what I remembered of the dream, I reconstructed parts of my life. And, hell, that was the truth I had been looking for so long. I picture feelings as a cart wheel. In the middle ar the axis there is the state of "not-feeling". There are spokes that shoot in different directions. Your total feeling-state is a vectogram of these feelings. Now I realized that love is not an opposite of hate. It is easy to love and hate somebody at some stage of the relationship.
Love is not an opposite of not-loving, either, Zero has no opposites. (that's why so many people make themselves zeroes even if they could be somebodys).

I picked up the Strat and took on a harmony. Boy, do I love its sound!
I dropped some notes, came back to the original and made some arpeggios.

The music strenghtened my new view.
The opposite of beauty can be ugliness but before accepting this you ask yourself what is beauty.

diagonalflower2

Then you can ask what is ugliness and what is the good of the the two.

Beauty is something to approach, to have, to relish. I think that beauty is a branch of the tree of love.
Ugliness is something to run away from, to root off. Ugliness is nature's gift to know from the first encounter that this is something not for you. Trouble, stomach ache, worries.


agonalflower1


The opposite of ugliness is not "tolerable". That is the state near the axis of the wheel of feelings.
The opposite of fear is not "unfear". That is a state of non-feeling. The opposite of fear is attachment.

In the search of beauty I search for love.
Please, do not confuse the industrial mush with Love,.

Love is not something that can be given or taken or lit up or killed.
It either is or then it is not. The best you can do is find it inside of you and show others that it is.

I say no more.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Glad påsk;

Don't know whether there's easter in reunion? Nevertheless - in this nordic labour culture easter means a natural break to the normal "business as usual" or to the "7-to-16" ongoing work calendar

Here in Espoo winter has been both good and bad, the cold weather has assured exceptional skiing possibilities but now birds seem to have increasing difficulties with delays to move here in their built-in time. Soon we will face a real rush of birds coming here alltogether all of a sudden;

In the Now - indeed - I really would like to understand music more in depth - what it really means to build harmonies to reflect your inner thinking. Some people would call it composing. However, I think I have quite a long way to go here... just don't forget the blues!

SK

Garbidz said...

easter is to note the spring equinox in agricultural societes, that was to do woth sowing the crops

here the equinox is the other way around, we are heading towards the "winter"...ha, eat your heart out!

that probably has to do with the coriolis forces as turbulences turn the other way once south of the equator?

blues...one should feel lonely and a bit miserable to do that

I play country...

Garbidz said...

To be quite honest, I do not know.I used to stay up on the mountainside and now I am by the seaside where it is hot. Cowbreath.

I have been trying to study the direction of the swirls in an upside down beerbottle but my reading-glass diopters sort of make me dizzy after the fourth bottle. Also, there is the problem of lookin at the swirl from below which is something you rarely get to do e.g. in a bathtub.

Unless you are an insect or something that size but I never drank samsamuch.

Life is good and God is great.

and the Fish...

Anonymous said...

Love is inside You and but has to be communicated - spoken between individuals it is at its best - I just wonder how ofter music is the second best. Surprisingly often?

Blues - now I see the point. Blue is the colour of melancholy(man). There where You have no dark days there is less room fo blue(s);

SK

Garbidz said...

today I jammed with my Powerbook Garbageband trying to keep up with a funk slap machine bassist and boy, that is hard work

had the time of my life, though

he just goes on and on and does not seem to mind if I slur every now and then or keep practising the same riff for fifteen minutes

fingers are ground meat
ice cream: GOOOOD (sschlapp)