I keep going back

it was two years ago that I got out of the hospital quite miserable after the episode

it started while I was doing a weekend in a paris suburb clinic, I got double vision with a splitting headache

I decided to go to a pharmacy to get some medicine but walking to the car I noticed that my legs weren't carrying me

in the car I noticed that I couldn't possibly drive since all things were double and turning around

there were a couple of colleagues there, they did not take me seriously...I called a friend who advised me to go to Pitie-Salpetriere...I took a taxi who was a complete idiot and told me to walk the rest of the way as he was not used to driving in the city...and there was a football game he didn't want to miss on tele

my ex helped me to get another taxi and followed me to the hospital where I just couldn't move any longer

they took me through scanners and stuck quite an amount of needles in various places...they gave me some stuff iv that tasted like stale human flesh...not that I'd ever tasted it but one gets the idea in the operating room


a couple of weeks just nightmare, things pgoing round and this splitting headache

I shaved and showered anyway and grew a deep sympathy to poor devils who are confined to asylums and stuff

I spent one week in intensive Just In CAse I'd develope a respiratory arrest as well...I used to work a lot in the intensive care soo I sort of knew that one possible diagnosis would have been Guillain-Barre that puts you off for two years and after you are a zombie

it wasn't it

at two weeks my legs started to carry me though as if I was drunk, my hands weren't trying to slit my throat when shaving and they sent me home

meanwhile my wife had decided to get an partment with another man which she did
-lost my job as well

mostly, I spent my days watching tele with one eye (opening the other one caused vertigo) and feeling indifferent

it was crazy, I sort of was there but I wasn't because I did not feel myself

I looked at my arms and legs move but they were not sending the right signals -"proprioception" was affected

the renovating that had been going on in the flat was half-finished as the guy had taken off somewhere to Yugoslavia

A friend of mine stopped by every now and then, brought my mail and some Belgian chocolate

I decided if ever I get back on my feet again I get to somewhere where life is nice and sunny...

my scooter was stolen, unused as it had been...all things were just drifting by as in a bad dream, I couldn't care less, I just did not FEEL any significance of anything at all

I started to come back slowly, but still there was the vertigo and something that still is and not easy to explain: I am lost, not really within myself and if I close my eyes i fall down

the name of the disease is Fischer-Miller and it is caused by a bug that is spread by chickens and guys who use same cutting board for vegetables and meat in restaurants...

Campylobacter jejuni is the name in case it rings a bell

that's the story
that's why I am here in the Tropic right now trying to figure out what happened during my nightmares

I wasn't close to dying in the regular sense of dying but in a sense that soul and body are detached...

I hope you got an idea why I am a bit strange at times...as if not really "there"

though I am in a lot of places...
the disease sort of made my borders vanish, I am a bundle of possible realities

I know my intelligence is not as it used to be and my ability to concentrate wanes sharply after about 8 minutes

(and still I am a lot brighter than these frogs!)

questions?